something's wrong.. with ME.. with my life.. i don't know what exactly, but something is definitely, terribly wrong. it's like everything in my life is getting all screwed up and so i'm getting all screwed up! i'm getting to be such a nagger (when i'm with him, mostly). a selfish.. nagging.. little bitch.. always demanding... always complaining... and demanding some more.. most of the time, i don't even know what i want.. i just know i want something.. a lot of things, actually. and when i finally figure out what that something is, he gives it to me and suddenly i don't want that anymore and i ask for something else. god, i'm an annoying bitch! what the hell's happening to me?! i hate this! i hate how this "phase" that i'm in right now is affecting me! i'm turning into the kind of person that i hate so much. you know, the one in chick flicks that everyone despises. even i wouldn't want to be around me. who'd want to be with someone who selfishly wants and asks for so much?! i deserve to be ran over by a big yellow school bus.. or whacked on the head with a hammer or a baseball bat.. or pushed off a hundred-storey building.. anything to snap me back to who i was!

 

maybe it's 'cause i'm bored.. so bored.. or maybe it's the heat.. maybe the heat's getting to me..

 

or maybe i'm just tired..  tired of almost always being told what to do and what to become.. tired of not being able to do what i want unless it's what she wants and constantly telling myself that it's for my own benefit anyway.. tired of forcing myself to like something that i really don't just to make her happy.. tired of letting my hopes up and counting on her words.. tired of getting my heart broken again and again, when i realize at the last minute that she had no intention of keeping her word in the first place..

 

i know, it's partly my fault.. i have my flaws.. but do i really deserve this much?

 

i know what you're thinking. stand up and speak out, right? well, yeah, that would work...if this was some telenovela where the chained-up little girl would finally realize that she's had enough and protest.. then some stupid, dramatic song would play in the background and they'd end up hugging and apologizing to each other, all teary-eyed and shit. let's face it people, this is REAL LIFE. and in real life, all i'd get for pulling a stunt like that would be a smack on the face. now that would really put the cherry on top of my fabulous life, eh?

 

what will i do now, you ask? well, what can i do? you can't help me. no one can help me. even i can't help me.

 

WAIT. wait all this shit out.

 

in the meantime, i've got to stop being such a self-centered bitch.. it's not fair to him. i can't let this crap get the better of me! i've got to find my happy place...